2017...

Well this is awkward. Here we are at the end of the year, so suddenly, and I've very little to show for it. Rather: I have very little to show literally, in the way of creative product or financial gain. I have, however, made significant progress in life—my place in life. In 2 days, on the first day of 2017, I'm getting married. This isn't actually the "progress" I mean, but it's more of a sign of the progress. A result of the progress. It's back to school with me, this time with a life partner, a goal, and a bit more experience under my belt. This time we'll do it. This time we'll finish it.
In addition to the challenges of a huge change in my life, responsibilities, geographic location, and social and familial circles, I have a resolution. People like to criticize and analyze resolution-making for the new year, but I'd like to think of my resolution as more of a small epiphany I had this evening. I've had it before, and I will hopefully have it again. The resolution is to have it more often—to make the habitual thoughts that will lead me to this place more frequently. This realization is that I am so. very. blessed. This isn't just a philosophical or religious statement, I'd like to think it is also a fairly pragmatic one. Regardless of your belief system, regardless of where you think good and bad things come from or how you define them, it is inarguable that you have a great many things that compose your life. They probably sit in varying degrees of "good" and "bad" on the scale that is your consciousness and can cause a great deal of conflict in your life. The reality is that there is an order to those things, and some sit higher on the scale than others. Perhaps you're a fairly negative person. Perhaps you have trouble seeing the "good" things. Maybe then, for you, finding the "less bad" things is the first step.
I tend to be quite an anxious person. This is probably true of most people, and everyone feels that "no, really, I get especially stressed." Again, this is relative. My stress is relative. The challenges I face are a size. They are big. They are small. They are entirely dependent on psychological context, and I get to choose that context. I'm afraid of the things I haven't quite finished before the wedding. I'm afraid of going back to school—an endeavor I absolutely failed at not long ago and remember terrifyingly vividly. I'm afraid of being responsible for another person, my soon-to-be wife. Lots of fear. In the context of the fatigue and the incessant lack of time and the complications in tasks and the expectations of my peers and superiors and the necessities of life and the expenses of domestic living... well, there I go, I've stressed myself out again. But... I'm getting married. To my best friend. And now we get to create a home. Our home. We have family and friends that love us and have provided an incredible amount of support. I get a new shot at school. I learned a lot from last time, and I also learned a few things during my time off that help me contextualize its purpose and motivate myself. I will do today as well as I can, and then I will do tomorrow.

Really?!

My last post was in 2014??? Wow, okay, it's time to update. This is something I'm supposed to upkeep. It's not hard, it's like making your bed, literally takes 5 minutes. Okay, where are we? What has happened? This post is going to take more than 5 minutes. A lot has happened...
So for starters, I'm not in school anymore. It wasn't working out and it was time to try something else. Perhaps I'll go back when I have a clearer purpose for it, but with my current career goals, it won't be necessary. For the moment, I'm working at what seems now to be the family business: Dad's eye clinic. I once thought I could work on computers all day, every day, and be perfectly happy. It never occurred to me that there is a big difference between working on computers and working with computers. Apparently my expertise ends at working with computers, and falls frustratingly short of working on them. This is not a good thing, considering I am in the IT department. I need to get out.
Thankfully, it is abundantly apparent to management and my supervisor that I am exceedingly bad at my job, and I've had the chance to showcase some of my better skills by making a motivational video for some of the staff. Management has seen fit to put me on a marketing project—at least on paper. I don't know exactly when this project will commence, but I know I intend on putting in 100%. They told me they need TV ads and it would be cheaper to make them in-house; the only stipulation is that I need to match the quality of a professional advertising agency. I can do that. I will show them this.
In other news, I'm meeting with a professional artist this evening to talk to him about what I want to do. I'm realizing more and more, however, that I'm jumping ahead of the game when I'm asking for advice. "How do I find direction? How do I get noticed? What sort of job should I be looking for to break in?" The real answer right now is: you need to do more work. You're not good enough. I don't mean that in a pessimistic, you'll-never-succeed, low-self-esteem way, but in a realistic you-simply-need-to-work-more way. I can't try out for the track team until I can run a mile or two.
Maybe that's what I'll talk to him about. A workout regime.

5:20 am...

It is 5:20 a.m. as I begin this blog post. Why am I awake? I'm not sure how it started, but I am awake because I have been awake for the last few nights. I can't seem to break the cycle. I wake up late, and I just can't sleep. They say to focus on when you get up and your bedtime will naturally fall into place, so maybe that's where my problem is. I need to force myself to get up and do something at 8:00 tomorrow morning... well, actually, just in a couple of hours. I'm not sure whether I should just stay awake until tomorrow night (which may not be so hard considering how late I slept in today... er... yesterday) but I do need to drive into town and I don't want to be unsafe. I suppose I'll stay awake, do my stuff, and get an early bedtime. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Some exercise and a little caffeine should do the trick. I don't know why I'm having such difficulty, I had to deal with far worse last school year at college. Come to think of it, I'm going right back into it rather soon here. I'm not sure I'm ready... I have to learn how to reset imbalances like this more quickly... Hmm, on second thought, even a couple hours of sleep would be nice. Here we go! =P

From Summer Camp...

Today is August 4th of 2014. It has been about 4 months since I last posted. Much has happened. For starters, I've been working at Camp MiVoden, just like last summer, except this time I worked waterfront teaching sailing. It's been a good experience, as I haven't had much previous experience on the water. I've learned a lot about sailing and boats and ropes and stuff. It's been great! Though as much as I've enjoyed it, I am exhausted and have been counting the days until I can go home. Currently, I've only two more days to go. On Thursday, I'll get a ride to the airport in Spokane where I'll catch a flight home. Pity I'll only be home for a few hours before we'll head back to the airport. I'm excited about our trip, I'm just really tired. Italy will be a new experience, though. None of the 10 countries I've been to were in Europe. Italy will be the first! Though I won't get to be home, it will be nice to spend some time with the family. Since I started college, I haven't spent a whole lot of time with them.
In other news, I am helping found a club at college. The Tea and Coffee Club. I get to be treasurer. Perhaps it sounds boring, but it was exciting to write up our club charter and send it in to the university office for approval. Maybe I'm just glad to be a part of something. I didn't do much of anything last year; I did a little drama first quarter and then a little music here and there, but nothing regular.
Now, I'm not sure how to bring up this last bit of information, as it is kind of sad and I'm still processing it, but my girlfriend and I broke up. We'd been together for 3 years, but then things have been getting odd. I'm not sure I understand all of the facets of the decision, but I know that it happened, and I hope it was for the best. She and I have been best friends for many years, even longer than we've dated, and so we made sure to be careful in the way we ended this so as to not spoil our friendship. It's been through too much and is too valuable to us to lose. It's been weird to let go and hang on at the same time. I feel terrible for hurting my best friend like I have, but I don't think there is any other way of doing this... so it's happening. This isn't to say I wouldn't reconsider sometime in the future, but right now things don't fit right. This next school year I aim to focus on my art and my music, outside of my studies. I think that if I am going to be a competent designer, I need to drastically improve my artistic skill, and if I am going to properly contribute my musical creativity to the band I am in, my musical skill needs to be brought up to scratch again. These things will make up the majority of life for me this year. Before I can consider the specifics of my home during the coming decades of my life, I must first ensure that I can support myself. And before I can consider the specifics of finding a partner with whom to share that home, I must first ensure that I can make a safe and stable home for her as well.

Feeling Good...

It's midnight. I ate utter garbage today. I exercised halfheartedly, not working very hard. I overslept and missed a class. It was hot out. A couple of friends called me out on some stuff, I felt ashamed. Today was NOT an ideal day... so why do I feel good? Where is this feeling of motivation coming from? The only positive thing I can think of is that I am one step ahead on homework. Is that really all it takes to feel this motivation, to stay ahead of the wave of work? Or is this one of those stupid insomnia-filled nights and I only feel good because I ought to be sleeping? Will this feeling last until tomorrow? How can I make this feeling happen again? The amount of things I could get done with this feeling... Why didn't I feel it earlier in the quarter when I was also feeling the determination to do well? So many questions... No, just one: Why do I feel good?

Dead Week...

So today was the final day of dead week, and I am so happy we are nearly finished with the quarter! Three days, three tests, and a final project are all that remains between me and spring break... But first: Sabbath. =) I think this weekend I will play music. On Sunday I will have plenty to do and to study for, so Sabbath will be mainly time to de-stress.

I keep making plans for spring break; I have all kinds of things on my to-do-but-not-really-important list. I have to keep reminding myself that the number one priority during spring break is to keep to a schedule. It doesn't matter what it is, I simply must go to bed at a specific time and wake up at a specific time. If I allow myself to lapse into an amorphous, unstructured schedule, it will just be that much harder to get back on track when break ends.

I'm quite excited about my classes for next quarter. I'll be getting my lifeguard certification as well as taking courses in painting and design. I don't think I'm taking any English or math classes at all. Just physics, which I thoroughly enjoy anyhow. It's going to be a good quarter!

Flight Cancelled...

So I'm sitting here at the airport waiting for the bus and I figured it'd be a good time to blog. I am feeling that weird sensation of excitement-even-though-nothing-special-is-happening because my flight was cancelled due to ice on the runway at the destination and I'm staying another night at home. Well, okay, that is special, but I don't feel like I should feel this excited. x) Now I hafta "be responsible" and email all my professors and the dorm dean that I won't be around tomorrow. Oh dear, and there was homework I was supposed to turn in tomorrow. Perhaps I can email it to them. Ah, I am looking forward to sleeping another night in my own room! The silence of home is something you really don't appreciate until you live in a dorm. Is this a place where I'm supposed to tell stories? Is that what makes a blog interesting? I am not very good at thinking up stories or describing my life's events in a manner that is entertaining. Oh look, there's the bus. Gotta go!

Into It...

I find it very difficult to stay "into" my schedule, especially when things happen to upset it (like getting sick). Last week I feel I did pretty well, sticking strictly to my plan and catching up on work and sleep. However, this last weekend, I messed up my sleep schedule by staying up too late on Friday night, and I'm still feeling the repercussions. I wonder how this week will go... Tomorrow will be, hands down, my most difficult day. If I can get through tomorrow, this week will be a breeze. It'll even end on a rather happy note, heading home for Valentine's Day to see my girlfriend and family. Looks like I'm going to have to put all hobbies in the shelf for awhile though. Ah well... When I do get time again, I have begun writing up ideas for YouTube videos and I'll begin making good use of my videography equipment.

What happened?

I'm not really sure what is going on with my mood recently. It swings oddly. My last post was so dismal and negative and I feel so happy and content now. I suppose I've found the things I want to do, or at least feel better about the things I am doing. It probably isn't necessarily a good sign that I feel better. At least, it doesn't mean I've actually come to a conclusion or properly worked through the issue in my mind, it simply means I am happy right at this very moment and that could very well change in the near future. =) But I shall enjoy it as long as it lasts. Ah, and since it is 3:20 a.m. and I am sufficiently finished with homework, I shall also enjoy another thing while I can: sleep.

Warning: Depressing Post Following...

I'm in this confusing place in my life where there are too many things to do, too many interests to have, and too many goals to pursue. It's like I'm greedy with my hobbies. I want to be a good pianist and a competent artist with a pen, that's where I started. But then there were other possibilities that opened up. I found I wanted to record music, but that is a different skill entirely. I discovered 3D and CGI to augment my toolset for my art. I began growing physically and realized I wanted to be more muscular than I am, so I took up swimming. I was listening to music and realized my favorite bowed instrument is the cello and I wanted to learn it. I heard a neat soundtrack piece one time and found out the mysterious instrument I could not identify was an Armenian reed instrument called a duduk. I wanted to obtain one and learn to play it. I was enjoying a computer game and realized I wanted to make one of my own for other people to play. I began learning to code. I visited China last spring with my family and started learning Mandarin. I realized my favorite language to listen to was French and I began learning that too. I am now at university and am working on a degree in industrial design. I also want to pick up my pilot's license at some point.
I began too many things. My interests jumped too many times in rapid succession. I've put money into things I realized that I do not need and I am not sure I will ever use to their maximum potential. I am in this place where I realized that I have become a proficient consumer, watching movies and playing games and using technology and designs, and I'm tired of it! I mean, I'm not tired of it, I love it, of course. If I disliked it, it would be easy to drop, but it's not. By tired of it, I suppose I mean I am tired of the idea that I am just taking. I am reaping the benefits of people's work, and I feel devalued. I feel like those people are better than me. I feel like they are better because they contributed something. People might argue, "Well, their contributions are rather trivial," like in the case of Mr. Marcus Persson and his claim to fame Minecraft, and perhaps it's true. Not all contributions are equal and some have no arguable benefit to humanity (if we're going to go with the Big Picture argument). But the other part of making something, of contributing something, is the satisfaction of creation. I think this is something God put into every person: to want to make something. Maybe it's not the same for everyone; I know I like making things with my computer, my pen, and my piano, and my brother prefers to use his tools and mechanical inclinations. My mother is an organizer and coordinator, and my father is a caregiver and a surgeon. even as I write this, I feel as though my tools are less valuable. I've never actually made anything real before. My computer makes worlds that don't exist appear real. My pen creates illusions on paper for people to glance at and say, "Oh, that's nice" because they believe they see a house or a flower or, more likely, a spaceship or a robot that never existed. My piano creates harmonic vibrations in the air to manipulate people's emotions. What good are the things that I can do? My gifts and interests are useful only for entertainment... for aesthetics... I've heard these lovely, profound quotes by movie-makers and actors saying things like, "When I see the audience smile, I know that I have done something good." I see my audience smile and it feels good, for a second... Then I realize, "Well, duh they smiled. Your piano playing creates harmonic vibrations that for some reason stimulate agreeable chemical responses in their brains. You haven't helped them live longer. You haven't helped them learn anything. You haven't helped make any part of the world come to any greater degree of order." And I feel useless.

Wednesday...

It's Wednesday today. =) And I am being productive. This blog post is part of that productivity. Though some may say, "You are wasting time on the internet when you ought to be doing other things," I would answer, "This is on my list of things to do." I've found that productivity has some inertia to it. It's really hard to get going at the beginning, so any little bit helps. This blog isn't a huge undertaking, it's just a record of my thoughts and feelings and a little of my art too. So that's that... a little more momentum... a little shove to get my productivity moving a little more effectively.

Tea...

I am drinking tea, and it makes me happy. Whenever I need to get into "work mode," I drink tea. I suppose it is part of the routine... Drink tea, do homework, drink tea, do stuff on computer, make more tea, tidy desk, drink tea, eat dinner, drink tea... Mom sent a whole bunch of tea with me, so I have enough to last me for awhile. Thank you, Mom! =)
So this quarter I am very excited because I am taking a couple of classes that give me some direction, not just general credits. I can't remember if I've talked about my major previously, but if I have: I've changed it. Surprise! x) I knew I wanted to do something in design and so I thought I wanted to major in architecture... That is, until I discovered industrial design. In essence, industrial design is the application of art to engineering. It is why the VW Beetle doesn't look like any other car on the road and why a Coke bottle has its distinctive shape. Water fountains have beveled edges and mobile phones don't look like bricks (anymore). The field is so wide and the options are limitless... and I heard from three separate people who knew or knew of architects that became industrial designers because business in architecture was poor. So here I am! =) The two classes I am particularly excited about are Intro to Materials & Processes and Intro to CAD. In the former, I will learn about various production materials, their qualities and uses, and the production processes used in dealing with them. The latter will provide training in AutoCAD, a design and drafting standard.

A New Year...

This is going to be a hard habit to start up again... but I'm going to do it. It is part of my new year's resolutions. Another item on the list is to exercise more regularly. It is so easy to explain away exercise in college with truly legitimate reasons, but you can't explain away weakness. ;) I will swim every weekday before lunch at the university pool. I kept the specific goals simple this year. That is the one I must hold myself to. I have a general idea of the other things I'm going to do, but they aren't as regular and set in stone. Post here once a week, and swim every weekday before lunch. Aside from that, I've got to keep life relatively simple, focus on school, and find a job.
Speaking of jobs, I do have an interview for one sometime this week. The position is as a technical article writer for a company that specializes in technology-oriented mobile content. (Essentially an online magazine that mainly has articles on technology-related subjects.) I hope it'll work out, it'd be nice to have a steady job! The main challenge is simply that I don't have a whole lot of regular time, and it appears that they want to pay by the hour.
Enough of these ramblings, let us say something important! It is important that I am starting my second quarter of school. First quarter was somewhat of a disaster, as I had no idea what I was doing (still don't), but this quarter will be better! I hope... I have a plan, and I think it's a good one.... I think.

College...

Well what do ya know, I'm in college now. It's one of those things that I always thought of as a distant future event, but I realized the other day that no, I'm here now. It's not in the future anymore. The future is getting closer. That's a little scary.
I've been at college for a week now, attending meetings and social functions as a part of a "Jump Start" program for college freshmen. It's been a long week. x) I'm anxious to begin my real classes. I've attempted to begin setting up my "new life" in the way I would want it to remain long-term, such as keeping a tidy living space, exercising regularly, and establishing a regular sleeping schedule. So far I've only achieved the first in that list. Among the things I intend on doing, I shall begin doing more art and posting it here on the blog. I have other stuff I want to do too, but I must start small or I'll never get there. Regular art is good enough for right now. I'll have to form a study schedule soon anyhow. Better save room for the textbooks! =)

All Summer...

Ya know, I'm not even going to bother trying to describe the past summer, as though I could "catch up" on blogging and somehow still be living up to the original purpose of the blog.  I shall just pick up again wherever I am at.  I worked at summer camp, and that is why I stopped blogging.  There.  So!  I've picked up painting again! =) I'm quite excited about it.  I still don't know if I want to post stuff to Facebook or here, though.  Facebook gets more traffic, but I suppose if my art is simply for my own enjoyment and the enjoyment of close friends and family that are interested, it doesn't really matter where I post it.  I posted this piece on Facebook with the caption, "Sometimes I just really want to write a song or draw a picture... but nothing comes to mind. It's frustrating."

Is It Right? ...

Inspiration is a funny thing. It makes you want to do something. It gives you the ideas on how exactly to do something and makes you willing to give what it takes to accomplish it. But the thing is, it doesn't make it the correct thing to do. Inspiration is largely an emotional response and is thus prone to error, whether in the wanting or in the planning. So this is what I have been wondering...

My career choice is architecture. That is what I plan on doing with the majority of my working life. That's fine, that is probably what I shall do. But I want to do music too. Okay, that is okay too, a guy is entitled to a hobby or two. But I don't just want to write music for fun. I want to put on a show. Every time I go to a concert and see the polished product of fine musicianship and engineering, I get this feeling like, "I want to do that..." 

Perhaps it is overly-presumptuous to even think I have the ability and the slightest chance at that, but my self-confidence wasn't my purpose in this discourse. My question is: "Is it right for me to want that?" Being a Christian, it is my belief that God gave me the skills and talents that I have. Some Christians believe that means it is wrong to put on a show with them because it is "taking credit" for them as though it is our own accomplishment, thus downplaying God's role in it. Others believe glory can be given to God in their performance, and they make sure He receives the credit He deserves. (I am speaking, in this case, about generic, non-religious music. Leading praise music or doing a "Christian concert" is another matter entirely.)

So which is it? Is wanting to stand on a stage and perform wrong? Is it contrary to a Christ-like attitude to want to be famous? Ouch, perhaps it is. Though it could be argued that His purpose actually was to be famous, it just wasn't for self-serving purposes. So the attitude with which I go about it plays a huge role. Is it wrong, then, to enjoy being onstage? As a musician, I have spent a fair amount of time being onstage and have lost much of the stress and nervousness that one initially feels when first stepping into the focus of attention of any group of people.

I love making music, I love sharing emotions. That's what music is: sharing emotions. I share thoughts and ideas by writing, like I am doing now. I can evoke emotion in writing too, but music seems to lend itself to that so much more easily. (Just as music can communicate factual information as well, but writing is far more effective, I think.)

So if I go onstage with truly the sole desire of wanting to share the art form I love and have been given to work with for the enjoyment and betterment of others, that is right? But music manipulates emotion, that is how it works. So in actuality, I love to manipulate people's emotions. A good musician is a good manipulator. That makes it sound bad, doesn't it? I want to go up there and wield this power over my audience. Then again, it isn't wrong to have power or influence, it just means greater responsibility.

I think the answer to my question is in what I said before about how Jesus went about His life's work. It was unselfish. It was awesome, it was powerful, at times it was quite a show (I do not use this term to describe a lack of sincerity, only the extraordinary nature of His actions, specifically His miracles). But it was for the love of people, and the love of helping them.

If my purpose is to write music because I love it and to share it with people because I love them, then that is right.

P.S. I am still planning on being an architect. ;)
(edit) P.P.S. I changed that plan... now I'm going to be an Industrial Designer! =)

The Year...

Well this  school year has been quite a year... Which is to say: it has been nearly a complete school year. x) I am frantically trying to get my life together before the transition into the summer and my summer job. Unfortunately, recent events have added to the list of things to do. My car window was smashed in two weekends ago whilst I was away on a high school campout. Then last weekend, while I performed with the school's band and choir at a church, my laptop computer, cell phone, wallet, and miscellaneous hardware were stolen out of my backpack. Thankfully, most of the messes have been taken care of, but I still have to get a replacement driver's license and computer. More money. Woo. <=P

So now all of my personal projects have ground to a halt and I'm focusing on the important stuff now... Sort of. ;) I REALLY want to start making YouTube videos more regularly, but I can't without a computer! And it's really hard to film video blogs when there are other people around. I'm the type of person that doesn't even like talking on the phone when there are other people in the room! Hopefully I'll be able to do a bit more when I'm at university. Ah, speaking of which, my dorm roommate has been confirmed, and I am rooming with an old music friend I met a few years ago. I am quite excited as he and I have always seemed to have got along well and have similar interests. I am sure he will be more understanding of my merely hobbies than any of my family. It's a plan then! =) I'd also like to get back into making stuff in Blender and writing more music, but I suppose I can't do it all. I'll just have to decide what stuff to do regularly and what stuff to do as filler. This blog, for example, definitely needs to be on the "regular" list, which it shall be and is, sort of. Now that I can post stuff from my iPod whenever I've got a wi-fi connection, I should be able to post stuff more easily. Oh, I also have made a Twitter account! We'll see how that goes. Twitter seems to be geared more towards a more constant stream of ideas and comments in shorter form. I don't know. Are blogs supposed to be a weekly thing like my YouTube accounts? And Twitter is the everyday posts thing? And what about Facebook? No, forget Facebook. =P I am happy to read other people's stuff and post once in awhile when I've really got something to say, but for the most part, Facebook is an extra thing.

Hmm, time to finish some Street Law notes and then hit the hay, I am so tired.

Testing...

So I got an iPod. It's pretty awesome! =D It will take me awhile to learn to type very quickly without errors, but I'm sure I'll get it eventually. This should allow me to post here as well as make YouTube videos on the go... hopefully.

Regularly Sporadic...

(I had to look up how to spell "sporadic" in the dictionary because it just looked weird.  I suppose I've never written or typed the word before.)
Among the things I am reinstating in my life is the regular contribution to this blog.  My efforts in getting my YouTube channel up and running as well as other responsibilities have distracted me a bit.
Recently, my subconscious seems to be attempting to prepare me for college.  I have an urge to clean, to form good habits, and to trim out the things in my life that I'm not going to keep.  I think I'll have to go through my List again (previously referred to in "Vacation") and revise it.  I've been doing something of the sort in a more physical sense in my room.  Here is a picture of the bag of junk I have collected to throw out:

My room is not a big room, so this much junk was a bit of a surprise to me.  However, it gives me a sense of great accomplishment to be getting rid of this much in my room.  My closet looks AMAZING now and I'm working on cleaning out my dresser...  GoodWill is going to get a fair-sized donation in the next week or so, I think. =)
A significant thing I cut from my life this last week was a class: Spanish, consistently my worst grade.  I am SO relieved to not have that hanging over me.  I only wish I had been notified earlier that it was not a requirement to graduate.  Three semesters of the most difficult class for me to handle, down the drain.  But that's okay with me! =)  No more Spanish.  Woooooo!

Insomnia...

The solution is so simple.  So very simple.