I'm in this confusing place in my life where there are too many things to do, too many interests to have, and too many goals to pursue. It's like I'm greedy with my hobbies. I want to be a good pianist and a competent artist with a pen, that's where I started. But then there were other possibilities that opened up. I found I wanted to record music, but that is a different skill entirely. I discovered 3D and CGI to augment my toolset for my art. I began growing physically and realized I wanted to be more muscular than I am, so I took up swimming. I was listening to music and realized my favorite bowed instrument is the cello and I wanted to learn it. I heard a neat soundtrack piece one time and found out the mysterious instrument I could not identify was an Armenian reed instrument called a
duduk. I wanted to obtain one and learn to play it. I was enjoying a computer game and realized I wanted to make one of my own for other people to play. I began learning to code. I visited China last spring with my family and started learning Mandarin. I realized my favorite language to listen to was French and I began learning that too. I am now at university and am working on a degree in industrial design. I also want to pick up my pilot's license at some point.
I began too many things. My interests jumped too many times in rapid succession. I've put money into things I realized that I do not need and I am not sure I will ever use to their maximum potential. I am in this place where I realized that I have become a proficient consumer, watching movies and playing games and using technology and designs, and I'm tired of it! I mean, I'm not tired of it, I love it, of course. If I disliked it, it would be easy to drop, but it's not. By tired of it, I suppose I mean I am tired of the idea that I am just taking. I am reaping the benefits of people's work, and I feel devalued. I feel like those people are
better than me. I feel like they are better because they contributed something. People might argue, "Well, their contributions are rather trivial," like in the case of Mr. Marcus Persson and his claim to fame
Minecraft, and perhaps it's true. Not all contributions are equal and some have no arguable benefit to humanity (if we're going to go with the Big Picture argument). But the other part of making something, of contributing something, is the satisfaction of creation. I think this is something God put into every person: to want to make something. Maybe it's not the same for everyone; I know I like making things with my computer, my pen, and my piano, and my brother prefers to use his tools and mechanical inclinations. My mother is an organizer and coordinator, and my father is a caregiver and a surgeon. even as I write this, I feel as though my tools are less valuable. I've never actually made anything real before. My computer makes worlds that don't exist appear real. My pen creates illusions on paper for people to glance at and say, "Oh, that's nice" because they believe they see a house or a flower or, more likely, a spaceship or a robot that never existed. My piano creates harmonic vibrations in the air to manipulate people's emotions. What good are the things that I can do? My gifts and interests are useful only for entertainment... for aesthetics... I've heard these lovely, profound quotes by movie-makers and actors saying things like, "When I see the audience smile, I know that I have done something good." I see my audience smile and it feels good, for a second... Then I realize, "Well, duh they smiled. Your piano playing creates harmonic vibrations that for some reason stimulate agreeable chemical responses in their brains. You haven't helped them live longer. You haven't helped them learn anything. You haven't helped make any part of the world come to any greater degree of order." And I feel useless.
