2017...

Well this is awkward. Here we are at the end of the year, so suddenly, and I've very little to show for it. Rather: I have very little to show literally, in the way of creative product or financial gain. I have, however, made significant progress in life—my place in life. In 2 days, on the first day of 2017, I'm getting married. This isn't actually the "progress" I mean, but it's more of a sign of the progress. A result of the progress. It's back to school with me, this time with a life partner, a goal, and a bit more experience under my belt. This time we'll do it. This time we'll finish it.
In addition to the challenges of a huge change in my life, responsibilities, geographic location, and social and familial circles, I have a resolution. People like to criticize and analyze resolution-making for the new year, but I'd like to think of my resolution as more of a small epiphany I had this evening. I've had it before, and I will hopefully have it again. The resolution is to have it more often—to make the habitual thoughts that will lead me to this place more frequently. This realization is that I am so. very. blessed. This isn't just a philosophical or religious statement, I'd like to think it is also a fairly pragmatic one. Regardless of your belief system, regardless of where you think good and bad things come from or how you define them, it is inarguable that you have a great many things that compose your life. They probably sit in varying degrees of "good" and "bad" on the scale that is your consciousness and can cause a great deal of conflict in your life. The reality is that there is an order to those things, and some sit higher on the scale than others. Perhaps you're a fairly negative person. Perhaps you have trouble seeing the "good" things. Maybe then, for you, finding the "less bad" things is the first step.
I tend to be quite an anxious person. This is probably true of most people, and everyone feels that "no, really, I get especially stressed." Again, this is relative. My stress is relative. The challenges I face are a size. They are big. They are small. They are entirely dependent on psychological context, and I get to choose that context. I'm afraid of the things I haven't quite finished before the wedding. I'm afraid of going back to school—an endeavor I absolutely failed at not long ago and remember terrifyingly vividly. I'm afraid of being responsible for another person, my soon-to-be wife. Lots of fear. In the context of the fatigue and the incessant lack of time and the complications in tasks and the expectations of my peers and superiors and the necessities of life and the expenses of domestic living... well, there I go, I've stressed myself out again. But... I'm getting married. To my best friend. And now we get to create a home. Our home. We have family and friends that love us and have provided an incredible amount of support. I get a new shot at school. I learned a lot from last time, and I also learned a few things during my time off that help me contextualize its purpose and motivate myself. I will do today as well as I can, and then I will do tomorrow.

Really?!

My last post was in 2014??? Wow, okay, it's time to update. This is something I'm supposed to upkeep. It's not hard, it's like making your bed, literally takes 5 minutes. Okay, where are we? What has happened? This post is going to take more than 5 minutes. A lot has happened...
So for starters, I'm not in school anymore. It wasn't working out and it was time to try something else. Perhaps I'll go back when I have a clearer purpose for it, but with my current career goals, it won't be necessary. For the moment, I'm working at what seems now to be the family business: Dad's eye clinic. I once thought I could work on computers all day, every day, and be perfectly happy. It never occurred to me that there is a big difference between working on computers and working with computers. Apparently my expertise ends at working with computers, and falls frustratingly short of working on them. This is not a good thing, considering I am in the IT department. I need to get out.
Thankfully, it is abundantly apparent to management and my supervisor that I am exceedingly bad at my job, and I've had the chance to showcase some of my better skills by making a motivational video for some of the staff. Management has seen fit to put me on a marketing project—at least on paper. I don't know exactly when this project will commence, but I know I intend on putting in 100%. They told me they need TV ads and it would be cheaper to make them in-house; the only stipulation is that I need to match the quality of a professional advertising agency. I can do that. I will show them this.
In other news, I'm meeting with a professional artist this evening to talk to him about what I want to do. I'm realizing more and more, however, that I'm jumping ahead of the game when I'm asking for advice. "How do I find direction? How do I get noticed? What sort of job should I be looking for to break in?" The real answer right now is: you need to do more work. You're not good enough. I don't mean that in a pessimistic, you'll-never-succeed, low-self-esteem way, but in a realistic you-simply-need-to-work-more way. I can't try out for the track team until I can run a mile or two.
Maybe that's what I'll talk to him about. A workout regime.

5:20 am...

It is 5:20 a.m. as I begin this blog post. Why am I awake? I'm not sure how it started, but I am awake because I have been awake for the last few nights. I can't seem to break the cycle. I wake up late, and I just can't sleep. They say to focus on when you get up and your bedtime will naturally fall into place, so maybe that's where my problem is. I need to force myself to get up and do something at 8:00 tomorrow morning... well, actually, just in a couple of hours. I'm not sure whether I should just stay awake until tomorrow night (which may not be so hard considering how late I slept in today... er... yesterday) but I do need to drive into town and I don't want to be unsafe. I suppose I'll stay awake, do my stuff, and get an early bedtime. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Some exercise and a little caffeine should do the trick. I don't know why I'm having such difficulty, I had to deal with far worse last school year at college. Come to think of it, I'm going right back into it rather soon here. I'm not sure I'm ready... I have to learn how to reset imbalances like this more quickly... Hmm, on second thought, even a couple hours of sleep would be nice. Here we go! =P

From Summer Camp...

Today is August 4th of 2014. It has been about 4 months since I last posted. Much has happened. For starters, I've been working at Camp MiVoden, just like last summer, except this time I worked waterfront teaching sailing. It's been a good experience, as I haven't had much previous experience on the water. I've learned a lot about sailing and boats and ropes and stuff. It's been great! Though as much as I've enjoyed it, I am exhausted and have been counting the days until I can go home. Currently, I've only two more days to go. On Thursday, I'll get a ride to the airport in Spokane where I'll catch a flight home. Pity I'll only be home for a few hours before we'll head back to the airport. I'm excited about our trip, I'm just really tired. Italy will be a new experience, though. None of the 10 countries I've been to were in Europe. Italy will be the first! Though I won't get to be home, it will be nice to spend some time with the family. Since I started college, I haven't spent a whole lot of time with them.
In other news, I am helping found a club at college. The Tea and Coffee Club. I get to be treasurer. Perhaps it sounds boring, but it was exciting to write up our club charter and send it in to the university office for approval. Maybe I'm just glad to be a part of something. I didn't do much of anything last year; I did a little drama first quarter and then a little music here and there, but nothing regular.
Now, I'm not sure how to bring up this last bit of information, as it is kind of sad and I'm still processing it, but my girlfriend and I broke up. We'd been together for 3 years, but then things have been getting odd. I'm not sure I understand all of the facets of the decision, but I know that it happened, and I hope it was for the best. She and I have been best friends for many years, even longer than we've dated, and so we made sure to be careful in the way we ended this so as to not spoil our friendship. It's been through too much and is too valuable to us to lose. It's been weird to let go and hang on at the same time. I feel terrible for hurting my best friend like I have, but I don't think there is any other way of doing this... so it's happening. This isn't to say I wouldn't reconsider sometime in the future, but right now things don't fit right. This next school year I aim to focus on my art and my music, outside of my studies. I think that if I am going to be a competent designer, I need to drastically improve my artistic skill, and if I am going to properly contribute my musical creativity to the band I am in, my musical skill needs to be brought up to scratch again. These things will make up the majority of life for me this year. Before I can consider the specifics of my home during the coming decades of my life, I must first ensure that I can support myself. And before I can consider the specifics of finding a partner with whom to share that home, I must first ensure that I can make a safe and stable home for her as well.

Feeling Good...

It's midnight. I ate utter garbage today. I exercised halfheartedly, not working very hard. I overslept and missed a class. It was hot out. A couple of friends called me out on some stuff, I felt ashamed. Today was NOT an ideal day... so why do I feel good? Where is this feeling of motivation coming from? The only positive thing I can think of is that I am one step ahead on homework. Is that really all it takes to feel this motivation, to stay ahead of the wave of work? Or is this one of those stupid insomnia-filled nights and I only feel good because I ought to be sleeping? Will this feeling last until tomorrow? How can I make this feeling happen again? The amount of things I could get done with this feeling... Why didn't I feel it earlier in the quarter when I was also feeling the determination to do well? So many questions... No, just one: Why do I feel good?

Dead Week...

So today was the final day of dead week, and I am so happy we are nearly finished with the quarter! Three days, three tests, and a final project are all that remains between me and spring break... But first: Sabbath. =) I think this weekend I will play music. On Sunday I will have plenty to do and to study for, so Sabbath will be mainly time to de-stress.

I keep making plans for spring break; I have all kinds of things on my to-do-but-not-really-important list. I have to keep reminding myself that the number one priority during spring break is to keep to a schedule. It doesn't matter what it is, I simply must go to bed at a specific time and wake up at a specific time. If I allow myself to lapse into an amorphous, unstructured schedule, it will just be that much harder to get back on track when break ends.

I'm quite excited about my classes for next quarter. I'll be getting my lifeguard certification as well as taking courses in painting and design. I don't think I'm taking any English or math classes at all. Just physics, which I thoroughly enjoy anyhow. It's going to be a good quarter!

Flight Cancelled...

So I'm sitting here at the airport waiting for the bus and I figured it'd be a good time to blog. I am feeling that weird sensation of excitement-even-though-nothing-special-is-happening because my flight was cancelled due to ice on the runway at the destination and I'm staying another night at home. Well, okay, that is special, but I don't feel like I should feel this excited. x) Now I hafta "be responsible" and email all my professors and the dorm dean that I won't be around tomorrow. Oh dear, and there was homework I was supposed to turn in tomorrow. Perhaps I can email it to them. Ah, I am looking forward to sleeping another night in my own room! The silence of home is something you really don't appreciate until you live in a dorm. Is this a place where I'm supposed to tell stories? Is that what makes a blog interesting? I am not very good at thinking up stories or describing my life's events in a manner that is entertaining. Oh look, there's the bus. Gotta go!