What happened?

I'm not really sure what is going on with my mood recently. It swings oddly. My last post was so dismal and negative and I feel so happy and content now. I suppose I've found the things I want to do, or at least feel better about the things I am doing. It probably isn't necessarily a good sign that I feel better. At least, it doesn't mean I've actually come to a conclusion or properly worked through the issue in my mind, it simply means I am happy right at this very moment and that could very well change in the near future. =) But I shall enjoy it as long as it lasts. Ah, and since it is 3:20 a.m. and I am sufficiently finished with homework, I shall also enjoy another thing while I can: sleep.

Warning: Depressing Post Following...

I'm in this confusing place in my life where there are too many things to do, too many interests to have, and too many goals to pursue. It's like I'm greedy with my hobbies. I want to be a good pianist and a competent artist with a pen, that's where I started. But then there were other possibilities that opened up. I found I wanted to record music, but that is a different skill entirely. I discovered 3D and CGI to augment my toolset for my art. I began growing physically and realized I wanted to be more muscular than I am, so I took up swimming. I was listening to music and realized my favorite bowed instrument is the cello and I wanted to learn it. I heard a neat soundtrack piece one time and found out the mysterious instrument I could not identify was an Armenian reed instrument called a duduk. I wanted to obtain one and learn to play it. I was enjoying a computer game and realized I wanted to make one of my own for other people to play. I began learning to code. I visited China last spring with my family and started learning Mandarin. I realized my favorite language to listen to was French and I began learning that too. I am now at university and am working on a degree in industrial design. I also want to pick up my pilot's license at some point.
I began too many things. My interests jumped too many times in rapid succession. I've put money into things I realized that I do not need and I am not sure I will ever use to their maximum potential. I am in this place where I realized that I have become a proficient consumer, watching movies and playing games and using technology and designs, and I'm tired of it! I mean, I'm not tired of it, I love it, of course. If I disliked it, it would be easy to drop, but it's not. By tired of it, I suppose I mean I am tired of the idea that I am just taking. I am reaping the benefits of people's work, and I feel devalued. I feel like those people are better than me. I feel like they are better because they contributed something. People might argue, "Well, their contributions are rather trivial," like in the case of Mr. Marcus Persson and his claim to fame Minecraft, and perhaps it's true. Not all contributions are equal and some have no arguable benefit to humanity (if we're going to go with the Big Picture argument). But the other part of making something, of contributing something, is the satisfaction of creation. I think this is something God put into every person: to want to make something. Maybe it's not the same for everyone; I know I like making things with my computer, my pen, and my piano, and my brother prefers to use his tools and mechanical inclinations. My mother is an organizer and coordinator, and my father is a caregiver and a surgeon. even as I write this, I feel as though my tools are less valuable. I've never actually made anything real before. My computer makes worlds that don't exist appear real. My pen creates illusions on paper for people to glance at and say, "Oh, that's nice" because they believe they see a house or a flower or, more likely, a spaceship or a robot that never existed. My piano creates harmonic vibrations in the air to manipulate people's emotions. What good are the things that I can do? My gifts and interests are useful only for entertainment... for aesthetics... I've heard these lovely, profound quotes by movie-makers and actors saying things like, "When I see the audience smile, I know that I have done something good." I see my audience smile and it feels good, for a second... Then I realize, "Well, duh they smiled. Your piano playing creates harmonic vibrations that for some reason stimulate agreeable chemical responses in their brains. You haven't helped them live longer. You haven't helped them learn anything. You haven't helped make any part of the world come to any greater degree of order." And I feel useless.

Wednesday...

It's Wednesday today. =) And I am being productive. This blog post is part of that productivity. Though some may say, "You are wasting time on the internet when you ought to be doing other things," I would answer, "This is on my list of things to do." I've found that productivity has some inertia to it. It's really hard to get going at the beginning, so any little bit helps. This blog isn't a huge undertaking, it's just a record of my thoughts and feelings and a little of my art too. So that's that... a little more momentum... a little shove to get my productivity moving a little more effectively.

Tea...

I am drinking tea, and it makes me happy. Whenever I need to get into "work mode," I drink tea. I suppose it is part of the routine... Drink tea, do homework, drink tea, do stuff on computer, make more tea, tidy desk, drink tea, eat dinner, drink tea... Mom sent a whole bunch of tea with me, so I have enough to last me for awhile. Thank you, Mom! =)
So this quarter I am very excited because I am taking a couple of classes that give me some direction, not just general credits. I can't remember if I've talked about my major previously, but if I have: I've changed it. Surprise! x) I knew I wanted to do something in design and so I thought I wanted to major in architecture... That is, until I discovered industrial design. In essence, industrial design is the application of art to engineering. It is why the VW Beetle doesn't look like any other car on the road and why a Coke bottle has its distinctive shape. Water fountains have beveled edges and mobile phones don't look like bricks (anymore). The field is so wide and the options are limitless... and I heard from three separate people who knew or knew of architects that became industrial designers because business in architecture was poor. So here I am! =) The two classes I am particularly excited about are Intro to Materials & Processes and Intro to CAD. In the former, I will learn about various production materials, their qualities and uses, and the production processes used in dealing with them. The latter will provide training in AutoCAD, a design and drafting standard.

A New Year...

This is going to be a hard habit to start up again... but I'm going to do it. It is part of my new year's resolutions. Another item on the list is to exercise more regularly. It is so easy to explain away exercise in college with truly legitimate reasons, but you can't explain away weakness. ;) I will swim every weekday before lunch at the university pool. I kept the specific goals simple this year. That is the one I must hold myself to. I have a general idea of the other things I'm going to do, but they aren't as regular and set in stone. Post here once a week, and swim every weekday before lunch. Aside from that, I've got to keep life relatively simple, focus on school, and find a job.
Speaking of jobs, I do have an interview for one sometime this week. The position is as a technical article writer for a company that specializes in technology-oriented mobile content. (Essentially an online magazine that mainly has articles on technology-related subjects.) I hope it'll work out, it'd be nice to have a steady job! The main challenge is simply that I don't have a whole lot of regular time, and it appears that they want to pay by the hour.
Enough of these ramblings, let us say something important! It is important that I am starting my second quarter of school. First quarter was somewhat of a disaster, as I had no idea what I was doing (still don't), but this quarter will be better! I hope... I have a plan, and I think it's a good one.... I think.